Queen of the Worst-Case Scenario is a blog based on my overly cautious, default personality setting. And because a lot of people in my life find my rants on dating, work, and social justice shit amusing and necessary (respectively), I'm here. I gotta stay lowkey, though, because a sista still got bills.

She spits hot fiyah

One of my play cousins moved from Cali to Chicago recently, taking her three beautiful babies with her, and her grandmother is going through withdrawals something serious. So, my mom decided we should go scoop up Ms. Pearl* and take her along on all the stops we were making on this Sunday afternoon. I'm really glad we did.

She's been sad and missing the babies, but according to my cousin, she's also in the early stages of dementia and they worry about her (rightfully so). My cousin's mama (Maxine*, Ms. Pearl's daughter) has moved back into the house with her, but as grown daughters apparently do to our even more grown mamas, Maxine thinks she in charge of Ms. Pearl now and is workin' Ms. Pearl's last good nerve. Got it? Ok. Ms. Pearl is adorably giddy when we come to pick her up, slides into the front seat because my mama insisted, and spent the rest of the afternoon talking about how she hates to drive, but just loves to ride...IN THE BACK SEAT SO NEXT TIME DON'T FORGET IT. Lol. 

She talked about being born in 1942 in southern Alabama where her daddy didn't know how to read or write, but "he knew his figures and couldn't nobody cheat him." He owned plenty of land and they were farmers. Ms. Pearl was the youngest of four/five (?) kids and was saaaalty that she wasn't allowed to go out in the fields to pick cotton with her brothers. She hated being in the house. (Side note: my mama is one of 10+ kids who grew up on a farm in Illinois and also hated being indoors and just wanted to be with her eight brothers, fishing and hunting and carrying on, so she and Ms. Pearl were bonding while also clowning me for being a girly-girl citified somebody. Good times, lol.)

Hey, Ms. Pearl, do you ever talk to your ex-husband? 

"Well, sure. He was at my retirement party, you remember. The lightskinned one with the ponytail. Oh, he got a lotta money. Always was good with tailoring and then doing the dry cleaning business, too. Oh yeah, a lotta money because he makes people pay for as much as he can in cash and then just keeps it, don't report it. I used to find all kinds of wads of cash around the house."

Wait, so did you get any when y'all divorced?

"No, I said I didn't want any of his money because on paper I made more than him since he ain't report it. That was also my pride in the way, like something was wrong with me for taking anything from him. Like I shoulda been more self-sufficient. Tuh! If I had to do it over again I'd take all that money!"

So y'all still cool? Do you spend any time together?

*gives me a look like I just farted*

Why not, Ms. Pearl?

"Uh, because he ugly and his breath stank??"

Me and my mama FELL. OUT. Later, she commended me on how I was such a good driver and I told her that I was on my best behavior because she was in the car, and I'm usually hostile when I'm driving, as my mama can attest to having witnessed, repeatedly. 

"Well, that's ok because you cute. You can be cute and hostile, but you can't be ugly and hostile. Ya gotta pick one." See? She got bars.

 

 

*The people and events are real, but the names have been changed.

Just pay us, damn!

I don't understand the question ???